reflections on late-night Truth-seeking.

I wish I could say that I'm not worried. I wish I could say I'm not stressed out or angry. I wish I could say that I'm not frustrated. I wish I could say that I know exactly what to do. I wish I could say I'm not shy or embarrassed. I wish I could say that I haven't let the past get to me. I wish I could say that I didn't sleep all afternoon (in which case, I would probably be sleeping now.) I wish I could say I'm not anxious or lonely. I wish I could say that I am not tempted. I wish I could say that I have not been lied to. I at least wish I could say I haven't believed those lies.

I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I know what was expected of me and knew how to do it. I wish I had a clue what the heck is going on. I wish someone had already taught me how to do this. I wish I had more time to do it, and more people to do it with. I wish I was doing it at home. I wish I felt accepted (whether I have been or not, it doesn't feel that way.) I wish I was experienced and could be the one who actually knows what to say. I wish I was brave. I wish I was creative. But wait...

I am worried, I am stressed, I am angry, I am frustrated, I don't know what to do about it, I am shy, I am embarassed, I let things get to me, I slept for 4 hours this afternoon, I am anxious, I am lonely, I am pounded by temptations, I have been lied to, and I have believed the liar.

I am scared, I don't know what's expected of me, I wouldn't know how to do it if I did, I don't have a single clue, no one has taught me how to do this, I don't have alot of time, I don't have as many people to work with as I'd like, I'm in Nebraska instead of home, I don't feel accepted, I am unexperienced, I never know what to say, I am not brave, but I am creative.

Sure, sometimes I roll off of ideas that I got from somewhere else or something that I saw work for someone else in the past, but I know how to put a different spin on it and make it work for other situations. That is how we were able to wing group time so well at soulquest this week.

Ok, so I'm a little depressed, but don't you dare lie to me more, Satan. If you wanna rub the truth about how I'm not exactly all alright in my face and remind me that I've heard the lies roll off your tongue in the past, go ahead. My God will take care of me. But you dare try to lie to me again?! That's pretty nervy of you, but sorry you lose.

Worried, stressed, angry, frustrated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those are not what define me.

Redeemed. Able. Delightful. Saved. Called. Altered. Purchased. Cherished. Known. Holy. Purposeful. Courageous. Free. Desired. Useful. Royal. Blameless. Empowered. Protected. Understood. Ready and willing. And more than a conqueror.

I am more than, I am more than tonight. I am counted, called out and alive.

-Needtobreathe