What's in a name?

So we've been talking about some things in my BOLD class that I really wanted to write about. Except I can't really decide how I feel about it. I tend to qualify everything. I guess that's the perfectionist in me.

Allison Nicole Hare. That's my name. It's important to me. It's important to who I am. My parents gave me that name when I was born. Well, I guess they gave it to me before I was born. But from the begining of my existance, the people that I first came into relationship with named me based on who I was. Who I would be. Who I am to them.

יהוה

He couldn't have picked a people who's language had vowels, now could He?

When the God of Israel was anticipating the begining of His relationship with Israel's descendants, he gives Moses His name to deliver to the people. You cannot have a real relationship with someone who's name you do not know.

There are two creation accounts at the beginning of Genesis. One of them is told almost from the perspective of the heavens themselves. It's very factual. Almost impersonal. And then there is one that is all about the relationship that God has with humankind. In the first account, the Creator is refered to as God. In the second, He is refered to as that name that He told Moses in Exodus. His personal name.

Ok, back to Israel. Their encounters with יהוה pretty much scare them to death. But they know that He is worthy of reverance and respect and, well, fear. So somewhere along the way they, out of respect, stop speaking His personal name. When they are reading aloud and come across it, they use another word. They said a different name when they read his Name. In this culture of OMG, it's kinda hard to imagine. Parents taught their kids about who He was and about the amazing things He had done for them, but they also taught them to respect that Name.

So of course, there's merit in this. After all, there are many names that we use for God besides יהוה too ... I looked in my prayer journal to find a few, and pretty much only ran across Lord and God, so I guess I am a loser at my own game, but still.

In a sense though, it makes me a little sad that my God, the One that I worship, told His personal name to people long ago, but now I can only be 95% sure of how it's pronounced. People come before Him with all this "Lord, God, Almighty, Mr., Dr., Sir" stuff, and He says, "Oh, just call me יהוה!" Once upon a time, God and man were on a first name basis.

But there's this interesting incident that happens sometime in between Creation and Sinai. Abraham worships יהוה. And יהוה kinda likes that about him. So, knowing that Abraham is still an imperfect man, God chooses him to be the recipient of His promises. And there are many of them. Among them is the promise of a son. And we all know the story. So he tries to rush things. He has his nephew for his heir and when they part ways, he has a slave as his heir. He was old. But he wanted a kid. And God had promised it to him, after all.

So suddenly the spotlight shifts to Hagar. We don't know a whole lot about her life before this point, so I will take the liberty of speculating about it. I don't think she would mind. I'm thinking she had been a slave for a while. Perhaps she was a slave in Pharaoh's palace. If you're an Egyptian and you've gotta be a slave, that's probably the place to be. So one day, she finds out that she's going to be the maid for the newest addition to pharaoh's harem. Turns out to be this foreigner lady who was really confused, probably kinda pissed and always talking about her husband (not pharaoh). Turns out this woman really was married. And her husband was powerful and blessed by the God he served. So before Hagar knew what was up, she was sent, along with some of pharaoh's wealth and many other slaves, to Abraham, and continued to be Sarah's servant.

When all of this "God promised us a son" stuff starts, Hagar is probably goin' "Oh, yeah, good luck with that, Sarah. Your baby factory has been bankrupt for what? 45 years?" Whether she actually said that or not doesn't matter; turns out Sarah wanted her to sleep with Abraham and just have a baby for her. And he was like 100? Grossgrossgrossgrossgross. But I guess when you're a slave, you have to sleep with whoever your boss wants you to. But anyway, Hagar gets pregnant and has Abraham's baby, and at this point, probably hates her life. So she gives Sarah some trouble, I'm sure. And Sarah is jealous, and probably a little weirded out herself, so she mistreats Hagar. And Hagar runs away.

Out in the desert, she's on her way out of Abraham and Sarah's lives forever. No way she's going back to that. Somebody else is just gonna have to give them a baby. She was gone. But I have to imagine she was scared. And uncertain. And lonely and hurt and hormonal. She was probably crying. But who cares? No one had ever cared about her before...

Who cares? יהוה, that's Who. The God of Abraham heard her misery. יהוה saw her. He saw HAgar. Everyone else had just seen her as a slave. An Egyptian slave. A female Egyptian slave. A baby-mama. A rebel. יהוה saw Hagar. And of course, Hagar didn't know His name. So when she entered into relationship with Him and recieved promises of her own, she gave Him a name that embodied Who He had been toward her. "The Living One who sees me". He sees her. And in her lifetime, He gives her more than she could have ever dreamed she would have when she was just pharaoh's slave.

I don't know how to pronounce my God's real name. Maybe it's a bummer. Maybe it's ok. We have a very personal relationship. And He knows my name. But again my thoughts are brought back to my prayer journal. God. Lord. It makes the God of my very personal prayer journal seem almost... impersonal.

Hagar challenges me. And the Holy Spirit convicts me. I am determined to know His name. And call me a dirty rotten post-modern if you want, but I am so excited for Him to show me who He is. Who He is to me.

Knowledge, Hope, and stupid Thursdays.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Thursdays mean EdFd 311. I HATE EdFd 311. That class scares me. It scares me because it makes me have to think seriously about my future in teaching. I'm beginning to feel super super turned off to teaching, but while I am in this class, that is my future. And I feel like that's the way that my classes are going to make me feel for the rest of my time in college. I have no motivation to study. I keep praying for God to give me this motivation, but I am so far behind htat the thought of doing what I need to do just gets more and more terrifying because now it seems like I couldn't get it all done on time. I am worried about my GPA. At least, I think I would be worried about my GPA if I cared anymore. I have a problem. I have a real problem. I live for Monday and Wednesday afternoons. And Fridays too. But mostly Mondays and Wednesdays. I thought it was going to be really stressful... 3 1-hour classes all in a row. From 1 o'clock til 4 o'clock. But I love it. LOVE IT. Church Planting. Geography. Pentatuech. I love them all. But what comes after those glorious Monday and Wednesday afternoons? EdFd 311. I don't so much mind 315, or really even 310. It's 311. The thought of getting ready to teach, student teach, prestudent teach, or even just take that frickin Praxis makes me wanna change my major. Or stay in bed all day. Or quit school. It shouldn't be like that. I mean, while I'm in the class, it's not that bad. But then I think about it. The thoughts are what I really dread. I guess sometimes I overthink things. Last week I thought about changing my major. Trying to find something that I think I wanna do. But I realized today that it has nothing to do with what I want to do. It has everything to do with what I enjoy. I think I would happily stay and extra semester or 2 if I could enjoy my classes. (Who gets out in 4 years anymore anyways? [ECED majors who hate their lives, that's who.])

This summer, someone unknowingly put into words what I think is the only reason that I have ever wanted to teach. "Knowledge gives people hope." Hope is what keeps us going. Even the slightest hope that we will reach our goals gives us an expectation of reaching our goals. If I can give you knowledge, I can, by the grace of God, give you some hope. I want ot give people hope. And I want to enjoy my classes (or at least not dread them.) And I have been told that I would make a good teacher. And I don't have any desire to be a classroom teacher. (Actually I think I have like negative desire to be a classroom teacher.) And I'm a junior. So what do I do?

If Jesus could somehow communicate to me that I could best serve him with this major, or best serve him teaching in a classroom, I would do it. I would go to EdFd 311 and smile. I would do the homework and feel accomplished.

People tell me that I could "best serve" Jesus doing basically anything. No. I refuse to believe that God doesn't care what major I pick. Surely the God who frickin made me knows what I like and what i enjoy, even when I don't. Surely he's not gonna give me this career that I don't want and tell me that's the best thing for me. Is that selfish? I mean, he made me the way that he did for a reason, right? He gave me my likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses for a reason, right? So how do I know when to move? And when the best thing to do is stay?

I thought that when I had this little crisis last week that would be the end of it. If I have a crisis every week of the semester, I am going to lose my mind.

I thought writing it out would make me feel better about all this, or that somehow, by wirting out all the thoughts that first pop into my head, I would somehow find hte answer inside my own heart. But it's not really helping and I'm tired and I still have that mound of homework to do.

C.S. Lewis wrote in The Weight of Glory, "Meanwhile, the cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning." Sometimes, this is the way I make the crown seem like it's actually real, attainable. One Monday mornign at a time. This semester, I change it for my own purposes... "Meanwhile, the cross comes before the crown, and tomorrow I have to my EdFds."