Tomorrow is Thursday. Thursdays mean EdFd 311. I HATE EdFd 311. That class scares me. It scares me because it makes me have to think seriously about my future in teaching. I'm beginning to feel super super turned off to teaching, but while I am in this class, that is my future. And I feel like that's the way that my classes are going to make me feel for the rest of my time in college. I have no motivation to study. I keep praying for God to give me this motivation, but I am so far behind htat the thought of doing what I need to do just gets more and more terrifying because now it seems like I couldn't get it all done on time. I am worried about my GPA. At least, I think I would be worried about my GPA if I cared anymore. I have a problem. I have a real problem. I live for Monday and Wednesday afternoons. And Fridays too. But mostly Mondays and Wednesdays. I thought it was going to be really stressful... 3 1-hour classes all in a row. From 1 o'clock til 4 o'clock. But I love it. LOVE IT. Church Planting. Geography. Pentatuech. I love them all. But what comes after those glorious Monday and Wednesday afternoons? EdFd 311. I don't so much mind 315, or really even 310. It's 311. The thought of getting ready to teach, student teach, prestudent teach, or even just take that frickin Praxis makes me wanna change my major. Or stay in bed all day. Or quit school. It shouldn't be like that. I mean, while I'm in the class, it's not that bad. But then I think about it. The thoughts are what I really dread. I guess sometimes I overthink things. Last week I thought about changing my major. Trying to find something that I think I wanna do. But I realized today that it has nothing to do with what I want to do. It has everything to do with what I enjoy. I think I would happily stay and extra semester or 2 if I could enjoy my classes. (Who gets out in 4 years anymore anyways? [ECED majors who hate their lives, that's who.])
This summer, someone unknowingly put into words what I think is the only reason that I have ever wanted to teach. "Knowledge gives people hope." Hope is what keeps us going. Even the slightest hope that we will reach our goals gives us an expectation of reaching our goals. If I can give you knowledge, I can, by the grace of God, give you some hope. I want ot give people hope. And I want to enjoy my classes (or at least not dread them.) And I have been told that I would make a good teacher. And I don't have any desire to be a classroom teacher. (Actually I think I have like negative desire to be a classroom teacher.) And I'm a junior. So what do I do?
If Jesus could somehow communicate to me that I could best serve him with this major, or best serve him teaching in a classroom, I would do it. I would go to EdFd 311 and smile. I would do the homework and feel accomplished.
People tell me that I could "best serve" Jesus doing basically anything. No. I refuse to believe that God doesn't care what major I pick. Surely the God who frickin made me knows what I like and what i enjoy, even when I don't. Surely he's not gonna give me this career that I don't want and tell me that's the best thing for me. Is that selfish? I mean, he made me the way that he did for a reason, right? He gave me my likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses for a reason, right? So how do I know when to move? And when the best thing to do is stay?
I thought that when I had this little crisis last week that would be the end of it. If I have a crisis every week of the semester, I am going to lose my mind.
I thought writing it out would make me feel better about all this, or that somehow, by wirting out all the thoughts that first pop into my head, I would somehow find hte answer inside my own heart. But it's not really helping and I'm tired and I still have that mound of homework to do.
C.S. Lewis wrote in The Weight of Glory, "Meanwhile, the cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning." Sometimes, this is the way I make the crown seem like it's actually real, attainable. One Monday mornign at a time. This semester, I change it for my own purposes... "Meanwhile, the cross comes before the crown, and tomorrow I have to my EdFds."
Wow, what a tough dilemma! One thought that hit me while reading your post was this: Not all teaching takes place in the classroom. You could still be a wonderful teacher whatever OTHER major you choose! Teachers/mentors are needed everywhere, from every profession!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you SHOULD enjoy your major/career. Now, that doesn't mean you'll enjoy everything about it, but you should have an overall sense of peace about it.
For me, youth ministry gives me a great sense of peace and joy. Are there things I don't like about it? YES! (You got to witness some of those this summer!) But at the end of the day, I know I'm in the right place.
Another consideration: Is your problem the class, or the teacher? Sometimes teachers turn us off of a topic.
So, which career do you feel like, at the end of the day, would give you peace and joy (including the not-so-fun parts?)