i am resolved.

I remember a day very close to my birthday, or perhaps even on my birthday, 2004, right before I went into high school, my mom bought me a Bible. Maroon and white, RHS colors. :) Oh, it was a glorious day. After being shoved in a backpack, riding on the JOY Bus, and travelling up several 14ers, it's more maroon and brown. The binding is coming off and it's covered in scratches. But it contains (in addition to the holy Word of God), notes that I made about scripture throughout high school. Some of the things I wrote don't make sense anymore. Some of them are completely inaccurate. And some of them still bring me to tears. One summer, my youth group went on a mission trip to New Orleans, to JINO. We worked hard during the day serving the community, and had some great worship times at night. One evening, a guy gave a really cool sermon. I don't remember what he was really saying, but one of the things he said was "I am done doing ministry without Power. I am done praying without Power." I wrote that in my Bible next to Mark 9:23, James 1:5 and 6, and probably sporadically throughout other books too. I've come to realize that it's not enough to believe that God can do something. I need to believe that He will... Which is so much easier to just "realize" than to actually put into practice in real life.

At the new year, it's easier to start over fresh. Forgive people. Forgive yourself. Make some changes. Pray for direction. Apparently this is not a fact that I have always taken advantage of. This is from my prayer journal my junior year of high school:

January 1, 2007

Dear God,

WHAT THE MESS?

-Allison

Some things just don't change. In so many ways, being a junior in college is way different than being a junior in high school, but in so many other ways, it's just exactly the same. Going back and thinking of the situation that I perceived myself to be in on that New Year, I can't help but feel embarrassed. Was I that silly? Naive? Selfish? Was that all I could manage to write down? I remember being so emotional, and yet those 3 words were the only ones that were, in my mind, worth sending up. And I think about one of the many situations that I find myself in now... and it's just the same! You'd think I would learn, but even with all the big things that I have to pray about, worry about, and try to fix, this pettiness consumes my whole world!

Life is weird right now. So much change. I thought that my freshman year would bring the most change, but there is so much going on that I was unaware of until I came home for the holidays. So much change. And I hate it. I don't know how to deal with it, make the best of it. I know that if I sit here in disillusionment for long enough, I won't be able to find order in my life when I am ready to. But still I sit, confused, unable to take my mind off of my most petty concerns.

I can make a thousand good excuses for 2010. It was the longest year ever. I was trying to decide how Italy was going to change my life. But I don't believe in good excuses, so I better stop myself now. Point is, I didn't live powerfully last year. I lived on my own power, and I came to rely on it. My own power my own strength, my own ideas. And it all came crashing down with a surge of grace on November 28. It's like He was saying to me, "Remember, Allison? It's my love, my grace... well, it's my power too." We think we call the shots, but we don't. It never occurred to me that I would not die in that accident until after the fact. And that wasn't out of faith. It was out of arrogance.How could I possibly die? This young, in a car accident? Nahhh. But I could have. My life is really in His hands, because I am not powerful enough to keep myself out of trouble all the time.

I think I was reading a book for one of my classes this semester, though I cannot remember which book, and the author said something about putting yourself out there so far, that if God doesn't show, you look like a fool. You feel like a fool. I want to do this in 2011. It's not so much about where I put myself, it's just gotta be so far out in faith that there's no turning back. And I don't know what that's gonna look like for me in the days ahead, but I'm praying about it. Powerfully.

I cannot live my life without the power of God. I cannot serve God or pray to him without His power. I am dependent.

Ready for the resolutions? Here they are:
This new year, 2011, I'm going to exercise. I'm gonna be less messy, and try to keep my room clean. I'm gonna make Jesus my main man. I'm gonna live and pray purposefully, recklessly,... Powerfully.