You know how when you read a good book, you notice something new everytime you read it? It's like I expect it to not be that way with the Bible too, but it is. Right now, I'm getting ready for Wednesday night girl's class. I've been procrastinating, and honestly, I'm procrastinating right now, but that's okay. My prep for class has brought me back to the narrative in Gensis 2. We're talking about lies. Because Satan lies alot. Especially to girls.
So we're going back and looking at the first lie he ever told, and how Eve got herself in a position to act on it. Of course, when Satan found Eve in the garden that day, she should have run. As soon as she heard one word challenging what she knew God had declared, she should have run. But she didn't. She stuck around to chat it up with the serpent... Reminds of my high school days when I worked in retail at Build-a-Bear workshop. Our boss would often make really screwball decisions. I think the majority of us were dissatisfied with them right from the start. But a few bold people would start to talk about it and everyone else would overhear and slowly but surely get onboard. I think that hearing others talk about the ridiculous things the boss was doing would make me even more unhappy. It's like that negative energy led me into a sense of intitlement. I think the same thing happened to mother Eve. She felt intitled to every tree. But I can't find someone else to blame it on. She screwed up. She sinned first. I finish the story feeling like I lost.
Because, let's be honest, Genesis 2 gets subconscously looked at as a battle of the sexes. And the girls lost. And that sucks. But I have a hard time really ever blaming Eve for a fallen world. I mean honestly, if it hadn't been her, it would have been me. So today, I was reading the story, and I noticed something that I don't normally notice. Eve misquotes God when she was carrying on her little, "yeah, it sucks, doesn't it?" convo with the devil. God said don't eat of this one tree. Eve said God said don't even touch it or you're dead. I remember some discussion on this in my OT class last fall, but I don't actually remember what conclusions were drawn. Why does Eve misquote God?
Well, when God gives the command regarding the tree of knowledge in Genesis, Eve didn't actually exist yet. Well, that assuming that Genesis 2 is in chronological order and not actually a parable... But right after God gives that command he goes, "Oh, it's not good for man to be alone! Let's make women!"... so I'm thinking she didn't hear that command right when it was given. Which means she probably heard it from Adam.
God didn't really tell them to not touch the tree. He told them to not eat the fruit. Adam was exaggerating the truth. He kind of lied to her. Jerk. There we go, I can blame Adam. We lost the Genesis 2 battle of the sexes, but the guys cheated. Isn't that just like the guys?
But I kind of think I understand... I mean, I remember being a little kid and shopping with my mom. Whenever we went into a store with lots of breakable things, she always told me not to touch anything. What she really wanted was for me to not break anything. But if I didn't pick anything up, I couldn't break it. Kids tend to break things that they pick up. And Mom didn't want to take any chances. Maybe Adam was thinking along those lines, knowing that as the guy, he would be held partially responsible for her actions, which he was in the end. I imagine the tree of knowledge was to Eve like World Market is to me... If I walk into World Market, I'm going to touch everything. And if I touch stuff, I'm going to end up with something in my shopping basket... most likely a box of Bacio or a new scarf... But if the Bacio were all poisoned, and someone else knew that, it would be wise for them to tell me that touching things inside World Market would kill me... I would probably stay far away from the World Market.
Perhaps Adam was really trying to do Eve a favor. But Eve would have done well to check in with God and figure out what He actually said... which brings me right back around to what I want to get across o my girls in the first place. Knowing the Truth is of the utmost importance. I've gotta know what He says so that I can bring my focus back around to generous promises of Life and Freedom instead of hearing limitations humans have placed on my faith or lies of entitlement and self-loathing from Satan.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Lord, to give up, I'd be a fool.
This past weekend, I traveled to Dallas with about 90 of my fellow Harding students for a field trip for our Living World Religions class. All things considered it was a great experience. I mean, sure I was cramped on a crowded and uncomfortable bus for 12 hours out of the weekend and we had to switch hotel rooms at 2am on Saturday night, but hey. It was a chance for a class to become more than a textbook, which is something that hasn't happened to me in a really, really long time. On Friday, we visited a Hindu temple, a Buddhist wat, a mosque, and a Sikh temple (where we ate delicious Indian food). On Saturday we went to a synagogue service, where we watched 2 bar mitzvahs. We finished up by visiting a Baha'i worship center and a Soka Gakkai Buddhist place of worship. I also got to have dinner with my parents and my sister, and worship on Palm Sunday with brothers and sisters or a different racial background than myself. And I could go into details about the people that I met and the little things that happened that I will never forget, but they're not going to mean anywhere mean as much to you (whoever you are) as they do to me. But there are some things that I want to share.
Something that I noticed is that people really are all the same. I think I've been in the Harding Bubble a little too long. Nah, I won't blame Harding- make that the Church-People Bubble. I've been in the Church-People Bubble for the past 20 years, basically nonstop. But really, all of the people outside of these bubbles are the same too.
Because no matter what religion you are, you have beautiful children. They cry or throw a fit and have to get taken out of worship service, synagogue service, the room with the Buddha shrine. They love to learn, to practice, to participate, to help. They love to receive love, to ride on Daddy's back during Friday evening prayers, and wear the prayer shawl that Daddy wore on his bar mitzvah. They love to show love, to pass out forks to all of the guests that don't know how to eat the food without them, to wave goodbye to every single person who walks out the door of the temple. They are beautiful.
Everyone is looking for solutions to the problems in the world and inside themselves. Whether you look for it in chanting or praying, in Baha'ullah or Christ, in five pillars or four noble truths.
Everyone has something right. God is Holy. God is One. God is Just. God is merciful. Incarnate God exists. All people are created equally. There is a possible end to all suffering.
When I was at the Hindu temple on Friday morning, I was retold a legend that I had also been told several times before. It seems like everyone has a version, Hindus, Jains, Sufis, Buddhists, everybody. It goes something like this... A king puts five blind men (who have never before seen or heard about an elephant) in a room with an elephant. He asks each man to explain to him what he perceives an elephant to be like. One feels the elephant's leg and responds, "An elephant is like a tree trunk". Another feels the elephant's side and responds, "An elephant is like a wall". Another feels the elephant's trunk and responds, "An elephant is like a tree branch". Another feels the tusk and responds, "An elephant is like a pipe". The final blind man feels the tail and responds, "An elephant is like a rope."
I think the story is supposed to point out that everyone is a little bit right (although it seems to me they were all mostly wrong), and they at least did the best that they could, considering their circumstances. They all had something right.
Everywhere that I went on Friday, I heard four speakers, or four different religions, say that they felt that their religion and their faith made them a better person. That is one of the reasons that these individuals claimed to have stuck with their faith. I started to wonder if my faith makes me a better person. I wasn't so sure it did, but I think it's supposed to. Then I realized that all the things I was hearing about, the praying the meditating, the worshipping with the community, those are all things that my faith involves as well. I suddenly felt my faith being stretched. I wasn't doubting, I just felt like I had been stretched, perhaps just a tad too far. Maybe instead I should be asking myself what a "good person", a "better person" actually is. I mean what does that even mean? Is there something that is missing from my faith, or something that I am just not doing? Or an I a good person, and I just don't feel like I am?... I felt very confused by Friday evening- not about my faith or other faiths, and not even about my salvation. I was just wondering if these people who see themselves as better people because of their religious practice would see me as better because of my religious practice.
This weekend, our teacher talked a little bit about how if you are willing to genuinely listen to someone, they will be willing to listen to you. This is always something you hear, but after this weekend, it actually seemed like a possibility. These people were willing and able to confidently share their faith with others. I want to be able to do that, but with the Truth! How much of a flop would I be if I tried to share why I do what I do with them?! I don't know, maybe I wouldn't flop, but that's just it; I don't know what would happen, because I don't know that I have explained my faith to someone who didn't share it or at least sympathize. I'm out of practice.
When we were studying Jainism, our teacher mentioned the elephant parable. I remember him telling us that, luckily, the real king doesn't set his blind subjects loose on an elephant and demand to hear their descriptions... He tells us ahead of time what he already knows, what the elephant really looks like. Then He guides us through the elephant room. So even though we can't see the big picture and can only feel out one part at a time, the elephant is not something we have to be scared of or confused about.
To sum things up, this weekend gave me a new sense or urgency to practice sharing my faith and find out how to do it in a loving and respectful, but also confident and effective way. I also have a stronger desire to keep seeking God- to test the spirits and examine the teachings. To make sure that my faith remains something that I actually have faith in.
The largest statue of the Buddha in North America happens to be located in Keller, Texas, of all places!
At the Hindu Temple, we witnessed a couple performing a puja.
Something that I noticed is that people really are all the same. I think I've been in the Harding Bubble a little too long. Nah, I won't blame Harding- make that the Church-People Bubble. I've been in the Church-People Bubble for the past 20 years, basically nonstop. But really, all of the people outside of these bubbles are the same too.
Because no matter what religion you are, you have beautiful children. They cry or throw a fit and have to get taken out of worship service, synagogue service, the room with the Buddha shrine. They love to learn, to practice, to participate, to help. They love to receive love, to ride on Daddy's back during Friday evening prayers, and wear the prayer shawl that Daddy wore on his bar mitzvah. They love to show love, to pass out forks to all of the guests that don't know how to eat the food without them, to wave goodbye to every single person who walks out the door of the temple. They are beautiful.
Everyone is looking for solutions to the problems in the world and inside themselves. Whether you look for it in chanting or praying, in Baha'ullah or Christ, in five pillars or four noble truths.
Everyone has something right. God is Holy. God is One. God is Just. God is merciful. Incarnate God exists. All people are created equally. There is a possible end to all suffering.
When I was at the Hindu temple on Friday morning, I was retold a legend that I had also been told several times before. It seems like everyone has a version, Hindus, Jains, Sufis, Buddhists, everybody. It goes something like this... A king puts five blind men (who have never before seen or heard about an elephant) in a room with an elephant. He asks each man to explain to him what he perceives an elephant to be like. One feels the elephant's leg and responds, "An elephant is like a tree trunk". Another feels the elephant's side and responds, "An elephant is like a wall". Another feels the elephant's trunk and responds, "An elephant is like a tree branch". Another feels the tusk and responds, "An elephant is like a pipe". The final blind man feels the tail and responds, "An elephant is like a rope."
I think the story is supposed to point out that everyone is a little bit right (although it seems to me they were all mostly wrong), and they at least did the best that they could, considering their circumstances. They all had something right.
Everywhere that I went on Friday, I heard four speakers, or four different religions, say that they felt that their religion and their faith made them a better person. That is one of the reasons that these individuals claimed to have stuck with their faith. I started to wonder if my faith makes me a better person. I wasn't so sure it did, but I think it's supposed to. Then I realized that all the things I was hearing about, the praying the meditating, the worshipping with the community, those are all things that my faith involves as well. I suddenly felt my faith being stretched. I wasn't doubting, I just felt like I had been stretched, perhaps just a tad too far. Maybe instead I should be asking myself what a "good person", a "better person" actually is. I mean what does that even mean? Is there something that is missing from my faith, or something that I am just not doing? Or an I a good person, and I just don't feel like I am?... I felt very confused by Friday evening- not about my faith or other faiths, and not even about my salvation. I was just wondering if these people who see themselves as better people because of their religious practice would see me as better because of my religious practice.
This weekend, our teacher talked a little bit about how if you are willing to genuinely listen to someone, they will be willing to listen to you. This is always something you hear, but after this weekend, it actually seemed like a possibility. These people were willing and able to confidently share their faith with others. I want to be able to do that, but with the Truth! How much of a flop would I be if I tried to share why I do what I do with them?! I don't know, maybe I wouldn't flop, but that's just it; I don't know what would happen, because I don't know that I have explained my faith to someone who didn't share it or at least sympathize. I'm out of practice.
When we were studying Jainism, our teacher mentioned the elephant parable. I remember him telling us that, luckily, the real king doesn't set his blind subjects loose on an elephant and demand to hear their descriptions... He tells us ahead of time what he already knows, what the elephant really looks like. Then He guides us through the elephant room. So even though we can't see the big picture and can only feel out one part at a time, the elephant is not something we have to be scared of or confused about.
To sum things up, this weekend gave me a new sense or urgency to practice sharing my faith and find out how to do it in a loving and respectful, but also confident and effective way. I also have a stronger desire to keep seeking God- to test the spirits and examine the teachings. To make sure that my faith remains something that I actually have faith in.
The largest statue of the Buddha in North America happens to be located in Keller, Texas, of all places!
At the Hindu Temple, we witnessed a couple performing a puja.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Transcend all my Striving
For my Bible credit this semester, I'm taking a class over living world religions. It's quite intriguing and I really enjoy it. I can only imagine how much I would enjoy it if it were held at anytime other than 7:30 in the morning, but still. Anyway, there's a lot of reading involved, and for class on Tuesday, we were assigned a reading over Sikhism. Honestly, I thought Sikhism was just an offshoot of Hinduism that somehow intermingled with Islam, and "tada!"... Sikhism. I thank the Lord he never put me in a position where I was trying to explain Sikhism to anyone, especially a Sikh, because I fear I would have been terribly offensive.
However, since I have not yet finished this reading, I still don't know much about Sikhs and what they believe. But apparently, "Sikh" means disciple. Disciple of the Supreme Being, and the gurus who wrote the Sikh scriptures. These gurus were teachers, but Sikhism has a really rich tradition of poetry. Which is cool. So from my understanding, the idea was that you don't need to worship an avatar or idol of the one Supreme God. This life force is all spirit and you truely worship it inwardly, not through rituals and sacrifices. The first Sikh guru, Guru Nanak, wrote this poem and it is part of the Adi Granath, a sacred Sikh text. And I think it's my new favorite poem. I'm sure it was originally in Sanskrit or something and probably sounded even more beautiful, but English doesn't do too bad here:
"If in this life I should live to eternity, nourished by nothing save air;
If I should dwell in the darkest of dungeons, sense never resting in sleep;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name.
If I were slain and my body dismembered, pressed in a hand-mill and ground;
If I were burnt in a fire all-consuming, mingled with ashes and dust;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name.
If as a bird I could soar to the heavens, a hundred such realms in my reach;
If I could change so that none might percieve me and live without food, without drink;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name.
If I could read with the eye of intelligence paper of infinite weight;
If I could write with the winds everlasting, pens dipped in oceans of ink;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name."
I was in church today and our speaker talked a lot about righteousness. How we were made righteous because of Christ. Christ is righteous. The only righteous one, and all that we are that is righteousness in God's eyes is really the righteousness of Christ. I just finished reading the book of Isaiah. All our righteous acts are like filthy rags. Like the smell in the lady's room that hasn't been cleaned in forever. Where you run in, do your business, wash your hands real good, and then run out- all in the 65 seconds that you are able to hold your breath. Yeah, nothing righteous about that.
My righteousness is His. My power is His. My love is His. My strengths are His. Every good thing that I possess is good because it is His. I forget this as I live my life, always striving. Usually for things that will bring me happiness. Granted, He's given me so much grace that the things He would desire to have me do often are the things that bring me happiness. But they often aren't, and at those times, I normally catch myself going my own way, and continue anyways. When I strive for my own glory though, it's never as glorious as I expect it to be. Like when you see advertisements for a grand fireworks show, and when you get there, the show last five minutes and all of the fireworks are the same color. Just not that glorious. Because I'm wandring off on my own way, forgetting that I have His power, His glory, His righteousness, rady and waiting for me when I decide to let Him lead. Nothing I could ever conjure up from myself could create something glorious. It's like the guru said. His glory must transcend all my striving.
The poem that I quoted earlier has a refrain, also by the Guru Nanak. One line of it says, "Only by grace can we learn of our Master." I feel like grace is all I ever write about anymore. But I can only write about the things He has given me, so I guess it's good. I guess I'm learning a lot.
Be blessed.
However, since I have not yet finished this reading, I still don't know much about Sikhs and what they believe. But apparently, "Sikh" means disciple. Disciple of the Supreme Being, and the gurus who wrote the Sikh scriptures. These gurus were teachers, but Sikhism has a really rich tradition of poetry. Which is cool. So from my understanding, the idea was that you don't need to worship an avatar or idol of the one Supreme God. This life force is all spirit and you truely worship it inwardly, not through rituals and sacrifices. The first Sikh guru, Guru Nanak, wrote this poem and it is part of the Adi Granath, a sacred Sikh text. And I think it's my new favorite poem. I'm sure it was originally in Sanskrit or something and probably sounded even more beautiful, but English doesn't do too bad here:
"If in this life I should live to eternity, nourished by nothing save air;
If I should dwell in the darkest of dungeons, sense never resting in sleep;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name.
If I were slain and my body dismembered, pressed in a hand-mill and ground;
If I were burnt in a fire all-consuming, mingled with ashes and dust;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name.
If as a bird I could soar to the heavens, a hundred such realms in my reach;
If I could change so that none might percieve me and live without food, without drink;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name.
If I could read with the eye of intelligence paper of infinite weight;
If I could write with the winds everlasting, pens dipped in oceans of ink;
Yet must your glory transcend all my striving; no words can encompass the Name."
I was in church today and our speaker talked a lot about righteousness. How we were made righteous because of Christ. Christ is righteous. The only righteous one, and all that we are that is righteousness in God's eyes is really the righteousness of Christ. I just finished reading the book of Isaiah. All our righteous acts are like filthy rags. Like the smell in the lady's room that hasn't been cleaned in forever. Where you run in, do your business, wash your hands real good, and then run out- all in the 65 seconds that you are able to hold your breath. Yeah, nothing righteous about that.
My righteousness is His. My power is His. My love is His. My strengths are His. Every good thing that I possess is good because it is His. I forget this as I live my life, always striving. Usually for things that will bring me happiness. Granted, He's given me so much grace that the things He would desire to have me do often are the things that bring me happiness. But they often aren't, and at those times, I normally catch myself going my own way, and continue anyways. When I strive for my own glory though, it's never as glorious as I expect it to be. Like when you see advertisements for a grand fireworks show, and when you get there, the show last five minutes and all of the fireworks are the same color. Just not that glorious. Because I'm wandring off on my own way, forgetting that I have His power, His glory, His righteousness, rady and waiting for me when I decide to let Him lead. Nothing I could ever conjure up from myself could create something glorious. It's like the guru said. His glory must transcend all my striving.
The poem that I quoted earlier has a refrain, also by the Guru Nanak. One line of it says, "Only by grace can we learn of our Master." I feel like grace is all I ever write about anymore. But I can only write about the things He has given me, so I guess it's good. I guess I'm learning a lot.
Be blessed.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Another Chapel-Happening
Many things happen chapel...
Today I had a significant amount of coffee in my system by the time 9 o'clock rolled around. On Tuesday and Thursday, when I have Bible at 7:30 am, I tend to consume a great deal of coffee. And today, being unusually nippy for April, I made sure to bring plenty to keep me warm AND awake. So needless to say, I was actually sentient this morning. And it was choir chapel, so it was good that I would actually be able to relax and enjoy their performance. Well, I thought I would be able to relax and enjoy their performance.
I don't remember the first song that was sung as part of actual chapel, but the second one was "Awesome God". But like the one where there's that echo and then the girls and guys sing totally seperate things. Anyway, there's that little bridge, where everyone sings all together:
Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God
And I seriously think I had a vision just then.
It was like I saw all of the kids in Vienna. But they were older. And there were so many people. They weren't having church in the youth center, they were having it in a bigger building, and still the people were spreading out into the hallways. They were just crammed in there! And they were all praising God, lifting Him up.
It was crazy. Tears welled up in my eyes. Suprise, suprise. People around me probably thought I was losing it. I thought I was losing it. But wait. It gets better.
For the devotional, the guy talked about unity in the body, and how there is a place for everyone. How everyone is needed because the collective body needs every individual's strength. I don't think the chapel-talker mentioned this, but it reminded me of the narrative at the end of Acts when the ship that is taking Paul to Rome gets caught in a serious storm. They thought they were gonna die, so some of the men tried to sneakily escape on the lifeboat. But Paul told them that all would survive the shipwreck and make it safely to shore. However, if these men left the boat, those onboard would not survive. So they cut away the lifeboat and made sure that everyone stayed onboard the ship. And sure enough, everyone survived the wreck. Perhaps not mentioned in the chapel talk, but pertinent, nonetheless.
Then the devo ended and the choir got up to sing. And would you guess, the first some they sang was in German. Being in German, I wasn't really able to follow it, but I really caught one word. Heilige. Holy.
Aaaand, I cried some more.
Awesome. Holy. Able to heal the ailing body. His own body. I was walking on clouds for the rest of the day. How wonderful His encouragement is!
Today I had a significant amount of coffee in my system by the time 9 o'clock rolled around. On Tuesday and Thursday, when I have Bible at 7:30 am, I tend to consume a great deal of coffee. And today, being unusually nippy for April, I made sure to bring plenty to keep me warm AND awake. So needless to say, I was actually sentient this morning. And it was choir chapel, so it was good that I would actually be able to relax and enjoy their performance. Well, I thought I would be able to relax and enjoy their performance.
I don't remember the first song that was sung as part of actual chapel, but the second one was "Awesome God". But like the one where there's that echo and then the girls and guys sing totally seperate things. Anyway, there's that little bridge, where everyone sings all together:
Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God
And I seriously think I had a vision just then.
It was like I saw all of the kids in Vienna. But they were older. And there were so many people. They weren't having church in the youth center, they were having it in a bigger building, and still the people were spreading out into the hallways. They were just crammed in there! And they were all praising God, lifting Him up.
It was crazy. Tears welled up in my eyes. Suprise, suprise. People around me probably thought I was losing it. I thought I was losing it. But wait. It gets better.
For the devotional, the guy talked about unity in the body, and how there is a place for everyone. How everyone is needed because the collective body needs every individual's strength. I don't think the chapel-talker mentioned this, but it reminded me of the narrative at the end of Acts when the ship that is taking Paul to Rome gets caught in a serious storm. They thought they were gonna die, so some of the men tried to sneakily escape on the lifeboat. But Paul told them that all would survive the shipwreck and make it safely to shore. However, if these men left the boat, those onboard would not survive. So they cut away the lifeboat and made sure that everyone stayed onboard the ship. And sure enough, everyone survived the wreck. Perhaps not mentioned in the chapel talk, but pertinent, nonetheless.
Then the devo ended and the choir got up to sing. And would you guess, the first some they sang was in German. Being in German, I wasn't really able to follow it, but I really caught one word. Heilige. Holy.
Aaaand, I cried some more.
Awesome. Holy. Able to heal the ailing body. His own body. I was walking on clouds for the rest of the day. How wonderful His encouragement is!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Dreams: Burrito Bowls, Mudholes, and Crazy Zoo Boys.
Many things happen during chapel. At 9 o'clock am, they take out this chunk of your day and pack the whole student body in an auditorium for "praise and devotional time". Most people listen and sing and pray. Other sleep or do homework. Still other will, on rare occasions, let mice loose. I try to pay attention, but at 9 in the morning, I start to remember my dreams from the night before. Today's chapel was one of these.
Last night, I was asleep when my head hit the pillow. And apparently dreaming from the time I fell asleep... In my dream, I walked out of the education building and down the street, towards the main entrance to campus. As I stood there, at the intersection of Race and Grand (I think), I got this feeling that it was summer. The semester was finally over. Joy ensued. I was standing there, feeling happy, when two people, whom I did not recognize came up to me. Even though I did not recognize them, in dreamland, we were good friends. I didn't know them very well, but I knew that we were good friends and I could trust them. We were on the same side, so to speak. One of them told me that it was super size burrito bowl day at Chipotle, and did I want to go with them? Well duh. Without thinking, I got into his car, and the three of us drove off down Race, towards the highway. It started to dawn on me that there is no Chipotle in Searcy, or even the whole state of Arkansas. In fact, the closest Chipotle is in Springfield, Missouri... were we driving to Missouri? Or Rockwall, Texas? I leaned up to ask my friends if we could go to the Texas Chipotle instead, and we suddenly turned onto a little side street. And we were no longer in Searcy. We were in some larger city. And Chipotle was right there on the corner. So we got out and went in. Normally, I get a burrito at Chipotle, but since bowls were "super size", I decided to go with a bowl, which, on this day, was twice the size of a normal bowl. The worker, but in the steaming rice, the pinto beans, the delicious chicken, the fresh pico, the shredded cheese, and two giant scoops of sour cream (my favorite food group!) right on the top. We sat down at a table and my friends and I enjoyed the most delicious burrito bowls of our lives! Agh it was so wonderful!
Just then, I awakened. I must not have been sleeping too deeply, because I had only laid down six minutes ago, and the slobber that covered my pillow had made my face cold, which was what woke me up. I rolled over and turned the pillow over, mouth still watering from the fabulous Chipotle dream. Just then, the power went out. And it made a dreadful noise. Afraid of power surges, I reached over and unplugged whatever was in the socket next to the bed, which was counterproductive as I learned this morning, since what happened to be plugged in was a surge protector. Oh well. The RA came fumbling through he dark soon after for room check, and when it was quiet again, I drifted back to sleep.
I began to have another dream. I was jogging along what seemed to be a crappy, man-made beach on the shore of a lake in a somewhat wooded area. I knew it was summer, and it was supposed to be warm, but for whatever reason, it was very cold. I had my headphones in and I was going along great until, I suddenly fell 10 feet or so down into this hole. The bottom was just mud, but the walls were concrete. It was circular, and probably 8 feet in diameter. (Seriously, how did I miss that?) I hollered for someone to come get me out, and I knew there were people nearby, but I must not have been close enough for them to hear me. I sat down on the muddy bottom, shivering, waiting for someone to find me. Eventually, I heard some kids come out and play on the beach. I yelled for help, but no one came close enough to the hole to see me. Then it started to rain. The kids left and went indoors somewhere I suppose. It was raining hard. And for so long. The hole started to fill up with muddy water. Night came. Still no one came to get me. Didn't someone notice I was missing? I wasn't hungry (probably from that big bowl I consumed in my last dream), but I was so thirsty. I remember trying to drink the muddy water, which was now up to my chest, but it was too bitter, and made me nauseous. The water came up to my neck and I remember thinking that I would die there, in that hole. But I am prone to being overly dramatic, and I began to float on my back while watching my life flash before my eyes. The water level kept rising. I was probably only 2 1/2 feel from the top of the hole, but, I still could not pull myself out. It was early morning when it stopped raining. I yelled again, but no one. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, a muddy dog stood at the edge of the hole, looking down at me. I remember talking to the dog, telling him to go get someone who could pull me out. He ran quickly away. Was there a chance he had understood? He came back without a human being. I was disappointed until I saw the rope in his mouth. He tossed it in and I grabbed on. Somehow, a golden retriever (and not even a large one at that!) pulled me out of that hole! I thanked him until I started feeling crazy for talking to a dog, and then I started to jog back to civilization. That dog loyally ran beside me the whole way. But when we arrived at a log cabin, the dog darted off into the woods. I had noticed he was wearing a red collar, so I assumed he was on his way home to his owner. I couldn't be sure though, and since he rescued me, the least I could do was make sure he made it to safety. I followed him, but I was tired and could not keep up.
Suddenly, I found myself, no longer in a wooded area by a lake, but inside a zoo in the middle of a city. I figured I might as well enjoy the zoo while searching for the dog. I got caught up looking at all the cute animals, when I realized there was no one else around. the zoo was closed. Locked up. It was getting dark. I sat down on a bench near the entrance to the zoo. there was no way out, so I would just sit there til morning, and wait, once again, for someone to let me out. Just then, I hear a quiet voice speak to me, almost like my conscience, or the Holy Spirit, from inside of me. It told me that I couldn't wait to escape. I had to get out now, and let all the animals out with me. But not yet, there was someone who would help me. First I had to find him. If I could help him, he would help me with my task of setting the animals free and escaping from the zoo before the morning. "If you wait til the morning," it said, "You both, and all of the animals, will be dead." I didn't believe it. Some pestilence was coming to exterminate a zoo in the middle of the night. And someone else was dumb enough to get locked in a zoo? That's stupid. I put my headphones on. Angels and Airwaves was playing.
"You know I won't say sorry, you know I won't say sorry.
The pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion."
Suddenly, I knew it was true. I put my ipod away. But the music wasn't playing on my headphones. It was playing out loud in the zoo. I had to find whoever else it was that was in here! I ran throughout the zoo, and the music kept getting louder. I went inside the ape house and found a guy sitting on the floor, listening to head phones that were plugged into a jack on the wall and singing along, head bobbing.
"I see the stars, they're in your eyes,
A playful kiss, can you tell I'm excited?
A fast escape in the nick of time,
You lost your wish, can I help you find it?"
"Hey get up!" I swatted his arm. "We have to get out of here and set all the animals free, or we'll all be dead by morning." He stood up. He was a big guy, and scary.
"I know," he said, "Leave me alone."
"You're gonna die!"
"I know. But there's nothing I can do about it."
"If you don't help me, I'll die too!"
"Well, sorry..."
"Sorry?!" I was freaking out at this point. "I survived a mud hole today, and I'm not giving up now! So you're gonna help me-" It dawned on me that the voice said he would help me if I would help him. "What's wrong? Why can't you help me?"
No answer. I realized that he couldn't hear me. "Hey, dude, that music isn't coming from your headphones! It's being played out loud in the zoo!" I ripped a headphone out of his ear. He looked angry. Like he wanted to hurt me. I ripped the other one out. He fell on the floor. "Hear that? It's being played out loud. I thought it was coming from my headphones too, but I was wrong."
He jumped up and hugged me. "Thank-you, thank-you! You saved me!"
It was a weird moment. I wasn't sure what to do. "Ok, well, glad I could help. Now let's get out of here."
"Ok. Do you know the 4 countries that make up the UK? Because I don't."
"Um, yeah, but we need to hurry up and set the animals free becau-"
"Ok, let's go!" He grabbed my arm and ran to the gate I had been sitting by when I heard the voice. "Write them on this gate!the four countries in the UK!" He handed me a sparkly magic marker.
At first, I kinda wanted to smack him. He was being dumb. That was dumb. Magic marker? So dumb. But he was supposed to be helping me, so I did what he said.
England
Scotland
Wales
Northern Ireland
All the animals in the zoo had gathered around, knowing they were about to be set free. When I finished writing, the lock broke off of the gate and we pushed it open. All the animals ran free! Loose into the city, but free, nonetheless! The music guy looked at me. "So we should get out of here pretty quickly... did you drive here?"
"No, I, um, ran."
"My car's here. Want a ride?"
"Well, uh, sure."
We got into his car and his stereo came on. the song was in Spanish.
"Si tal vez, me harías muy feliz,
Si tal vez, me lo podrías decir,
Si tal vez, detalle a detalle,
Podrías conquistarme sería tuya."
I remember thinking how cheesy it was that "Te Quiero Tanto" was playing in his car. But that's the last thing I remember. Weird dreams. But so vivid. I've always had crazy dreams, but recently, they've been different. They've either been PTSD dreams about horrid death and despair, or they're been dreams about my friends' lives and God's kingdom that end up coming true, good and bad things. Things that I couldn't have known that have happened or happen shortly after. They aren't crazy like my other dreams and like last night's dreams; they actually make sense. So I've been testing the spirits- or testing my dreams, rather. I've been praying about whether or not they are gifts or if I should take them seriously. Then I had these dreams last night- whew! Strange, indeed.
Ok, so if you've read this far, God bless you! And if you want to take a shot at interpretation- be my guest!
Last night, I was asleep when my head hit the pillow. And apparently dreaming from the time I fell asleep... In my dream, I walked out of the education building and down the street, towards the main entrance to campus. As I stood there, at the intersection of Race and Grand (I think), I got this feeling that it was summer. The semester was finally over. Joy ensued. I was standing there, feeling happy, when two people, whom I did not recognize came up to me. Even though I did not recognize them, in dreamland, we were good friends. I didn't know them very well, but I knew that we were good friends and I could trust them. We were on the same side, so to speak. One of them told me that it was super size burrito bowl day at Chipotle, and did I want to go with them? Well duh. Without thinking, I got into his car, and the three of us drove off down Race, towards the highway. It started to dawn on me that there is no Chipotle in Searcy, or even the whole state of Arkansas. In fact, the closest Chipotle is in Springfield, Missouri... were we driving to Missouri? Or Rockwall, Texas? I leaned up to ask my friends if we could go to the Texas Chipotle instead, and we suddenly turned onto a little side street. And we were no longer in Searcy. We were in some larger city. And Chipotle was right there on the corner. So we got out and went in. Normally, I get a burrito at Chipotle, but since bowls were "super size", I decided to go with a bowl, which, on this day, was twice the size of a normal bowl. The worker, but in the steaming rice, the pinto beans, the delicious chicken, the fresh pico, the shredded cheese, and two giant scoops of sour cream (my favorite food group!) right on the top. We sat down at a table and my friends and I enjoyed the most delicious burrito bowls of our lives! Agh it was so wonderful!
Just then, I awakened. I must not have been sleeping too deeply, because I had only laid down six minutes ago, and the slobber that covered my pillow had made my face cold, which was what woke me up. I rolled over and turned the pillow over, mouth still watering from the fabulous Chipotle dream. Just then, the power went out. And it made a dreadful noise. Afraid of power surges, I reached over and unplugged whatever was in the socket next to the bed, which was counterproductive as I learned this morning, since what happened to be plugged in was a surge protector. Oh well. The RA came fumbling through he dark soon after for room check, and when it was quiet again, I drifted back to sleep.
I began to have another dream. I was jogging along what seemed to be a crappy, man-made beach on the shore of a lake in a somewhat wooded area. I knew it was summer, and it was supposed to be warm, but for whatever reason, it was very cold. I had my headphones in and I was going along great until, I suddenly fell 10 feet or so down into this hole. The bottom was just mud, but the walls were concrete. It was circular, and probably 8 feet in diameter. (Seriously, how did I miss that?) I hollered for someone to come get me out, and I knew there were people nearby, but I must not have been close enough for them to hear me. I sat down on the muddy bottom, shivering, waiting for someone to find me. Eventually, I heard some kids come out and play on the beach. I yelled for help, but no one came close enough to the hole to see me. Then it started to rain. The kids left and went indoors somewhere I suppose. It was raining hard. And for so long. The hole started to fill up with muddy water. Night came. Still no one came to get me. Didn't someone notice I was missing? I wasn't hungry (probably from that big bowl I consumed in my last dream), but I was so thirsty. I remember trying to drink the muddy water, which was now up to my chest, but it was too bitter, and made me nauseous. The water came up to my neck and I remember thinking that I would die there, in that hole. But I am prone to being overly dramatic, and I began to float on my back while watching my life flash before my eyes. The water level kept rising. I was probably only 2 1/2 feel from the top of the hole, but, I still could not pull myself out. It was early morning when it stopped raining. I yelled again, but no one. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, a muddy dog stood at the edge of the hole, looking down at me. I remember talking to the dog, telling him to go get someone who could pull me out. He ran quickly away. Was there a chance he had understood? He came back without a human being. I was disappointed until I saw the rope in his mouth. He tossed it in and I grabbed on. Somehow, a golden retriever (and not even a large one at that!) pulled me out of that hole! I thanked him until I started feeling crazy for talking to a dog, and then I started to jog back to civilization. That dog loyally ran beside me the whole way. But when we arrived at a log cabin, the dog darted off into the woods. I had noticed he was wearing a red collar, so I assumed he was on his way home to his owner. I couldn't be sure though, and since he rescued me, the least I could do was make sure he made it to safety. I followed him, but I was tired and could not keep up.
Suddenly, I found myself, no longer in a wooded area by a lake, but inside a zoo in the middle of a city. I figured I might as well enjoy the zoo while searching for the dog. I got caught up looking at all the cute animals, when I realized there was no one else around. the zoo was closed. Locked up. It was getting dark. I sat down on a bench near the entrance to the zoo. there was no way out, so I would just sit there til morning, and wait, once again, for someone to let me out. Just then, I hear a quiet voice speak to me, almost like my conscience, or the Holy Spirit, from inside of me. It told me that I couldn't wait to escape. I had to get out now, and let all the animals out with me. But not yet, there was someone who would help me. First I had to find him. If I could help him, he would help me with my task of setting the animals free and escaping from the zoo before the morning. "If you wait til the morning," it said, "You both, and all of the animals, will be dead." I didn't believe it. Some pestilence was coming to exterminate a zoo in the middle of the night. And someone else was dumb enough to get locked in a zoo? That's stupid. I put my headphones on. Angels and Airwaves was playing.
"You know I won't say sorry, you know I won't say sorry.
The pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion."
Suddenly, I knew it was true. I put my ipod away. But the music wasn't playing on my headphones. It was playing out loud in the zoo. I had to find whoever else it was that was in here! I ran throughout the zoo, and the music kept getting louder. I went inside the ape house and found a guy sitting on the floor, listening to head phones that were plugged into a jack on the wall and singing along, head bobbing.
"I see the stars, they're in your eyes,
A playful kiss, can you tell I'm excited?
A fast escape in the nick of time,
You lost your wish, can I help you find it?"
"Hey get up!" I swatted his arm. "We have to get out of here and set all the animals free, or we'll all be dead by morning." He stood up. He was a big guy, and scary.
"I know," he said, "Leave me alone."
"You're gonna die!"
"I know. But there's nothing I can do about it."
"If you don't help me, I'll die too!"
"Well, sorry..."
"Sorry?!" I was freaking out at this point. "I survived a mud hole today, and I'm not giving up now! So you're gonna help me-" It dawned on me that the voice said he would help me if I would help him. "What's wrong? Why can't you help me?"
No answer. I realized that he couldn't hear me. "Hey, dude, that music isn't coming from your headphones! It's being played out loud in the zoo!" I ripped a headphone out of his ear. He looked angry. Like he wanted to hurt me. I ripped the other one out. He fell on the floor. "Hear that? It's being played out loud. I thought it was coming from my headphones too, but I was wrong."
He jumped up and hugged me. "Thank-you, thank-you! You saved me!"
It was a weird moment. I wasn't sure what to do. "Ok, well, glad I could help. Now let's get out of here."
"Ok. Do you know the 4 countries that make up the UK? Because I don't."
"Um, yeah, but we need to hurry up and set the animals free becau-"
"Ok, let's go!" He grabbed my arm and ran to the gate I had been sitting by when I heard the voice. "Write them on this gate!the four countries in the UK!" He handed me a sparkly magic marker.
At first, I kinda wanted to smack him. He was being dumb. That was dumb. Magic marker? So dumb. But he was supposed to be helping me, so I did what he said.
England
Scotland
Wales
Northern Ireland
All the animals in the zoo had gathered around, knowing they were about to be set free. When I finished writing, the lock broke off of the gate and we pushed it open. All the animals ran free! Loose into the city, but free, nonetheless! The music guy looked at me. "So we should get out of here pretty quickly... did you drive here?"
"No, I, um, ran."
"My car's here. Want a ride?"
"Well, uh, sure."
We got into his car and his stereo came on. the song was in Spanish.
"Si tal vez, me harías muy feliz,
Si tal vez, me lo podrías decir,
Si tal vez, detalle a detalle,
Podrías conquistarme sería tuya."
I remember thinking how cheesy it was that "Te Quiero Tanto" was playing in his car. But that's the last thing I remember. Weird dreams. But so vivid. I've always had crazy dreams, but recently, they've been different. They've either been PTSD dreams about horrid death and despair, or they're been dreams about my friends' lives and God's kingdom that end up coming true, good and bad things. Things that I couldn't have known that have happened or happen shortly after. They aren't crazy like my other dreams and like last night's dreams; they actually make sense. So I've been testing the spirits- or testing my dreams, rather. I've been praying about whether or not they are gifts or if I should take them seriously. Then I had these dreams last night- whew! Strange, indeed.
Ok, so if you've read this far, God bless you! And if you want to take a shot at interpretation- be my guest!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Nose in Need
It's that time of year right now. One of my favorite times of year. It seems to have come a bit early, and after this evening, this southern weather might be re-thinking itself, but there's no denying- spring is coming. It's that time where you can walk around in short sleeves and chacos at least for part of the day. Maybe bring a light sweater just in case. After all, if you bring it and it's too warm for it, you can just take it off. You can roll the windows down, open your sunroof. I love this time of year. But I spent 6 hours yesterday driving with those windows down and enjoying the outside weather, much to the chagrin of my sinuses, which started to remind me today that if I want the glorious springtime, I've got to accept those pesky allergens that come along with it.
So I said all that to say this- I was just doing my homework when I felt a sneeze coming on. And it was destined to be a messy one. I moved my books away and urgently searched for something to sneeze into. Luckily, there is a box of tissue right by my bed. I grabbed one just in time for the sneeze. But no sooner had I recovered and tossed my tissue than I felt another one coming on. I reached again for the box, grabbing the next tissue. But this time I noticed something. Something that I had always seen happen but somehow managed to never really notice. WHen you pull a tissue out of the tissue box, another one pops up immediately. They are somehow folded up inside there in such a way that it just happens. Well, assuming there are no tissue box malfunctions, which I know have happened to all of us. Anyway, in an ideal world, a tissue box would always work the way it's supposed to, which is, genius really. And quite inspiring.
That tissue box just keeps on giving me more and more tissues, even though, all I do is take them and blow my nasty ol' nose on them. I mean, that's kinda gross. But it keeps giving me more tissue. Just as soon as I grab one, it gives me another. Doesn't this kinda remind you of how our God's love is like a big never-ending tissue box of grace? That's what I thought of.
He's given me sooo much grace in my life. And especially in the past several months. Grace has kinda become my word. It follows me everywhere. I've been made so aware of the fact that I don't deserve a first chance, much less a second chance. But still God gives me grace. His love and mercy have always been there to, well, wipe my nose in a sense.
And then there's that Kleenex commercial. I think it's Kleenex. (Don't like sue me if it's not...) Where peaople are out on the bus or in the park or crossing the street and someone sneezes. And someone else just happens to have a box of tissue in their hand. So they pass it on, and the sneezer goes on their merry little way with the tissue box, ready to offer the next tissue to the next person that they see, who is, of course, sneezing.
So God gave me some grace today by showing me a little bit of his Truth through something really simple. Hopefully, I've been able to share my tissue box with you, and I hope you'll share your tissue box with others by sharing what God is doing with and in your life. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind hearing about it myself. After all, it's getting to be allergy season and I could always use a tissue.
So I said all that to say this- I was just doing my homework when I felt a sneeze coming on. And it was destined to be a messy one. I moved my books away and urgently searched for something to sneeze into. Luckily, there is a box of tissue right by my bed. I grabbed one just in time for the sneeze. But no sooner had I recovered and tossed my tissue than I felt another one coming on. I reached again for the box, grabbing the next tissue. But this time I noticed something. Something that I had always seen happen but somehow managed to never really notice. WHen you pull a tissue out of the tissue box, another one pops up immediately. They are somehow folded up inside there in such a way that it just happens. Well, assuming there are no tissue box malfunctions, which I know have happened to all of us. Anyway, in an ideal world, a tissue box would always work the way it's supposed to, which is, genius really. And quite inspiring.
That tissue box just keeps on giving me more and more tissues, even though, all I do is take them and blow my nasty ol' nose on them. I mean, that's kinda gross. But it keeps giving me more tissue. Just as soon as I grab one, it gives me another. Doesn't this kinda remind you of how our God's love is like a big never-ending tissue box of grace? That's what I thought of.
He's given me sooo much grace in my life. And especially in the past several months. Grace has kinda become my word. It follows me everywhere. I've been made so aware of the fact that I don't deserve a first chance, much less a second chance. But still God gives me grace. His love and mercy have always been there to, well, wipe my nose in a sense.
And then there's that Kleenex commercial. I think it's Kleenex. (Don't like sue me if it's not...) Where peaople are out on the bus or in the park or crossing the street and someone sneezes. And someone else just happens to have a box of tissue in their hand. So they pass it on, and the sneezer goes on their merry little way with the tissue box, ready to offer the next tissue to the next person that they see, who is, of course, sneezing.
So God gave me some grace today by showing me a little bit of his Truth through something really simple. Hopefully, I've been able to share my tissue box with you, and I hope you'll share your tissue box with others by sharing what God is doing with and in your life. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind hearing about it myself. After all, it's getting to be allergy season and I could always use a tissue.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Thoughts on St. Valentine's Day
In the first half of February, when you look at the calendar and realize that Valentine's Day is coming, what are those things that come to your mind? Chocolate, roses, jewelry, your significant other? You disgust me. As a girl who had never had a date for this special day, I find myself trying not to think about those things. For the past 16 years, February 14th has been my sister's birthday. And I have good memories of Valentine parties and whatnot from childhood. Pink, red, & white, paper hearts, decorated shoeboxes, those nasty sugar hearts, punch-out cards with Disney characters on them, frosted cookies with pink sprinkles, little Cupids...
Ok, hold on. So how did Cupid manage to work his way in there? A pagan god who is kind of a jerk... somehow they managed to make him cute and put him as the symbol for a saint's day?
I've heard a story about St. Valentine. Something about how he was arrested (they never mention what for) and fell in love with his jailor's blind daughter. Of course, his love and devotion cure her. He dies in the arena, but not before signing his final love letter to her with, "Your Valentine".
It's a cute story I guess.
This year, I got curious. I wanted to know who St. Valentine really was, and I hadn't been expecting what I found. There are 3 St. Valentines in Christendom. One was martyred in Africa. One was the Bishop of Terni, and the other was a Roman priest.
Most of the stuff I read was about St. Valentine the priest. Here's my retelling of the information I found. As a disclaimer, I'm sorry if I've botched the details; however, this story seems much more accurate than the first one.He was arrested for performing Christian weddings for Christian couples. While in prison, awaiting his martyrdom, he preached Christ to his jailer as the Light of the World. The guy might have been a little bit cynical. Or perhaps he just needed a good excuse to believe in Valentine's God. Anyway, he challenged Valentine to pray to his "Light" for his blind daughter to recieve her sight. So Valentine prays. And Jesus, showing love even to a pagan family, heals. And the whole family comes to believe in the Lord.
Now that's a good story.
Three men who lived the love of Christ. And died for the love of Christ. They know what Christ had done for them. He loved them to death, and they, somehow, realized that they could do the same. But Valentine did not just give his life for the Kingdom of God, he showed the love of Jesus to people in his life.
That's definitely a love story that I can celebrate, as I continue to go about my day, watching girls pick up their flowers at the front desk and listening to Chicago on my headphones. I'm ok with being a hopeful romantic for today. After all, Jesus loves me to death.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." 1 John 3:16
Ok, hold on. So how did Cupid manage to work his way in there? A pagan god who is kind of a jerk... somehow they managed to make him cute and put him as the symbol for a saint's day?
I've heard a story about St. Valentine. Something about how he was arrested (they never mention what for) and fell in love with his jailor's blind daughter. Of course, his love and devotion cure her. He dies in the arena, but not before signing his final love letter to her with, "Your Valentine".
It's a cute story I guess.
This year, I got curious. I wanted to know who St. Valentine really was, and I hadn't been expecting what I found. There are 3 St. Valentines in Christendom. One was martyred in Africa. One was the Bishop of Terni, and the other was a Roman priest.
Most of the stuff I read was about St. Valentine the priest. Here's my retelling of the information I found. As a disclaimer, I'm sorry if I've botched the details; however, this story seems much more accurate than the first one.He was arrested for performing Christian weddings for Christian couples. While in prison, awaiting his martyrdom, he preached Christ to his jailer as the Light of the World. The guy might have been a little bit cynical. Or perhaps he just needed a good excuse to believe in Valentine's God. Anyway, he challenged Valentine to pray to his "Light" for his blind daughter to recieve her sight. So Valentine prays. And Jesus, showing love even to a pagan family, heals. And the whole family comes to believe in the Lord.
Now that's a good story.
Three men who lived the love of Christ. And died for the love of Christ. They know what Christ had done for them. He loved them to death, and they, somehow, realized that they could do the same. But Valentine did not just give his life for the Kingdom of God, he showed the love of Jesus to people in his life.
That's definitely a love story that I can celebrate, as I continue to go about my day, watching girls pick up their flowers at the front desk and listening to Chicago on my headphones. I'm ok with being a hopeful romantic for today. After all, Jesus loves me to death.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." 1 John 3:16
Sunday, January 9, 2011
i am resolved.
I remember a day very close to my birthday, or perhaps even on my birthday, 2004, right before I went into high school, my mom bought me a Bible. Maroon and white, RHS colors. :) Oh, it was a glorious day. After being shoved in a backpack, riding on the JOY Bus, and travelling up several 14ers, it's more maroon and brown. The binding is coming off and it's covered in scratches. But it contains (in addition to the holy Word of God), notes that I made about scripture throughout high school. Some of the things I wrote don't make sense anymore. Some of them are completely inaccurate. And some of them still bring me to tears. One summer, my youth group went on a mission trip to New Orleans, to JINO. We worked hard during the day serving the community, and had some great worship times at night. One evening, a guy gave a really cool sermon. I don't remember what he was really saying, but one of the things he said was "I am done doing ministry without Power. I am done praying without Power." I wrote that in my Bible next to Mark 9:23, James 1:5 and 6, and probably sporadically throughout other books too. I've come to realize that it's not enough to believe that God can do something. I need to believe that He will... Which is so much easier to just "realize" than to actually put into practice in real life.
At the new year, it's easier to start over fresh. Forgive people. Forgive yourself. Make some changes. Pray for direction. Apparently this is not a fact that I have always taken advantage of. This is from my prayer journal my junior year of high school:
January 1, 2007
Dear God,
WHAT THE MESS?
-Allison
Some things just don't change. In so many ways, being a junior in college is way different than being a junior in high school, but in so many other ways, it's just exactly the same. Going back and thinking of the situation that I perceived myself to be in on that New Year, I can't help but feel embarrassed. Was I that silly? Naive? Selfish? Was that all I could manage to write down? I remember being so emotional, and yet those 3 words were the only ones that were, in my mind, worth sending up. And I think about one of the many situations that I find myself in now... and it's just the same! You'd think I would learn, but even with all the big things that I have to pray about, worry about, and try to fix, this pettiness consumes my whole world!
Life is weird right now. So much change. I thought that my freshman year would bring the most change, but there is so much going on that I was unaware of until I came home for the holidays. So much change. And I hate it. I don't know how to deal with it, make the best of it. I know that if I sit here in disillusionment for long enough, I won't be able to find order in my life when I am ready to. But still I sit, confused, unable to take my mind off of my most petty concerns.
I can make a thousand good excuses for 2010. It was the longest year ever. I was trying to decide how Italy was going to change my life. But I don't believe in good excuses, so I better stop myself now. Point is, I didn't live powerfully last year. I lived on my own power, and I came to rely on it. My own power my own strength, my own ideas. And it all came crashing down with a surge of grace on November 28. It's like He was saying to me, "Remember, Allison? It's my love, my grace... well, it's my power too." We think we call the shots, but we don't. It never occurred to me that I would not die in that accident until after the fact. And that wasn't out of faith. It was out of arrogance.How could I possibly die? This young, in a car accident? Nahhh. But I could have. My life is really in His hands, because I am not powerful enough to keep myself out of trouble all the time.
I think I was reading a book for one of my classes this semester, though I cannot remember which book, and the author said something about putting yourself out there so far, that if God doesn't show, you look like a fool. You feel like a fool. I want to do this in 2011. It's not so much about where I put myself, it's just gotta be so far out in faith that there's no turning back. And I don't know what that's gonna look like for me in the days ahead, but I'm praying about it. Powerfully.
I cannot live my life without the power of God. I cannot serve God or pray to him without His power. I am dependent.
Ready for the resolutions? Here they are:
This new year, 2011, I'm going to exercise. I'm gonna be less messy, and try to keep my room clean. I'm gonna make Jesus my main man. I'm gonna live and pray purposefully, recklessly,... Powerfully.
At the new year, it's easier to start over fresh. Forgive people. Forgive yourself. Make some changes. Pray for direction. Apparently this is not a fact that I have always taken advantage of. This is from my prayer journal my junior year of high school:
January 1, 2007
Dear God,
WHAT THE MESS?
-Allison
Some things just don't change. In so many ways, being a junior in college is way different than being a junior in high school, but in so many other ways, it's just exactly the same. Going back and thinking of the situation that I perceived myself to be in on that New Year, I can't help but feel embarrassed. Was I that silly? Naive? Selfish? Was that all I could manage to write down? I remember being so emotional, and yet those 3 words were the only ones that were, in my mind, worth sending up. And I think about one of the many situations that I find myself in now... and it's just the same! You'd think I would learn, but even with all the big things that I have to pray about, worry about, and try to fix, this pettiness consumes my whole world!
Life is weird right now. So much change. I thought that my freshman year would bring the most change, but there is so much going on that I was unaware of until I came home for the holidays. So much change. And I hate it. I don't know how to deal with it, make the best of it. I know that if I sit here in disillusionment for long enough, I won't be able to find order in my life when I am ready to. But still I sit, confused, unable to take my mind off of my most petty concerns.
I can make a thousand good excuses for 2010. It was the longest year ever. I was trying to decide how Italy was going to change my life. But I don't believe in good excuses, so I better stop myself now. Point is, I didn't live powerfully last year. I lived on my own power, and I came to rely on it. My own power my own strength, my own ideas. And it all came crashing down with a surge of grace on November 28. It's like He was saying to me, "Remember, Allison? It's my love, my grace... well, it's my power too." We think we call the shots, but we don't. It never occurred to me that I would not die in that accident until after the fact. And that wasn't out of faith. It was out of arrogance.How could I possibly die? This young, in a car accident? Nahhh. But I could have. My life is really in His hands, because I am not powerful enough to keep myself out of trouble all the time.
I think I was reading a book for one of my classes this semester, though I cannot remember which book, and the author said something about putting yourself out there so far, that if God doesn't show, you look like a fool. You feel like a fool. I want to do this in 2011. It's not so much about where I put myself, it's just gotta be so far out in faith that there's no turning back. And I don't know what that's gonna look like for me in the days ahead, but I'm praying about it. Powerfully.
I cannot live my life without the power of God. I cannot serve God or pray to him without His power. I am dependent.
Ready for the resolutions? Here they are:
This new year, 2011, I'm going to exercise. I'm gonna be less messy, and try to keep my room clean. I'm gonna make Jesus my main man. I'm gonna live and pray purposefully, recklessly,... Powerfully.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)